It’s never easy to tell someone how their actions affect you, especially when this involves giving constructive feedback about negative behaviour. The keyword is “constructive.’ Your goal is always to create an exchange that benefits you while also being helpful to the other person, despite how their negative actions may have pushed your buttons or triggered your own defensive response.
Keep the focus on yourself and state your truth in a non-blaming way. Use the four-part “I-message”:
1. When this happens ….. (Explain the observable behaviour)
2. I feel ….. (Name how their comment/actions affect you)
3. Because ….. (Explain the direct result of how you feel when this happens)
4. This is what I need ….. (Tell the person specifically what you need)
Here are pointers for approaching a truthful conversation:
- Don’t kitchen-sink it—avoid drawing in other complaints or past situations, no matter how tempting this might be.
- Avoid insulting or putting down the other person as you make your point. Don’t compare or mention the ironies you see unless you are prepared for an all-out war.
- Keep repeating your truth without judging.
- Don’t get side-tracked if the other person says you’re being over-sensitive. Remember that people are not always comfortable hearing your truth. Besides, expressing a crossed boundary does not equal being over-sensitive; it equals feeling disrespected!
- Use the sandwich technique – give positive comments and constructive feedback, then end with more positive feedback.
- Know that you care enough to give feedback in the first place. If you didn’t value the relationship you wouldn’t take the time to work things out.
- Show understanding and don’t back down from your point. Listen to the other person’s thoughts, too. You may disagree. Remember to apply active listening skills (See my July 26, 2016 blog post: Put the Active Back into Your Listening.
Always be compassionate. Always be kind. Everyone has stuff they’re dealing with. You’re not responsible for someone’s issues, but you can show empathy and compassion. The goal is to expand to a greater meaning and build a trusting relationship. When people hear our truth, they learn to respect us, and trust in the relationship. And trust builds relationships!
Three Wise Monkeys photo courtesy of Pixabay.