“So, now what?” Jennifer asked. We were sitting together in a small café in the wake of her return from Ottawa. Jennifer had just spent an emotional weekend settling her daughter Brittany into her residence dorm as she embarks on her studies at the University of Ottawa. Jenn’s panic was palpable: “Brittany is the baby, after two others who left years earlier.” Jenn had been dreading this day, this reckoning when she’d find herself alone in a huge home that is also her workplace as she’s self-employed but missing her second job—that of on-site Mom.
This week, many social media posts show beaming parents—mostly mothers—happy to reclaim their spaces (and routines) now that the kids have returned to school. But there’s a cohort of women who feel this day came too soon. They weren’t ready for it despite all their plans and preparations. These are the battle-weary Moms who accompanied their children through the ups and downs of childhood illnesses, uncertain grades, peer pressure, and the teen years, to relinquish their now almost-adult child to their own lives. It seems like just yesterday they were tucking in these babes. This week, they are tucking sheet corners around single dorm room beds. Emotions run high.
When I passed by Concordia University two weeks ago, I noticed a sign saying: “Parent’s Tent.” I didn’t think this was a mass sleeping quarters for out-of-town parents settling their beloved children. But the school knows that parents need some support while they let go and trust their children to a whole new experience—away from home.
A story: I’d homeschooled my child right through to adult education. Then I watched as he went to a local college and did a year of university. He moved into an apartment in the home I’d bought with my new husband. I enjoyed a delicious three years of scaffolding my son into adulthood, watching as he took his wings through his first real job and living in his first apartment. He wasn’t far away—down the backstairs. Still, I left him to his household management: cooking, cleaning, and organizing, never interfering in what he must do for himself to become his own person and learn to self-manage his life. I was only there for support. Then he received a job offer he couldn’t refuse. And it meant a move six hours away to the USA! At 26, my kid was finally “leaving home.”
And yes, I freaked out! Despite that we held separate residences and lives, I had to let go and trust that my son would be okay as he settled into his new home in a new city and country. After all, I had scaffolded him to this point. Now it was time for him to grow and to live the happy, productive adulthood into which I’d raised him. Isn’t that what each of us wants for our children?
“So, now what?” I asked myself the same question as my friend Jennifer.
Whether you’re struggling with letting go (and it’s normal) or whether you’re finding the house empty as everyone returns to fall routines after a laid-back summer, you too, might be asking yourself, “So, now what?” The short answer is: You do YOU. You find what gives you joy and brings meaning to your life, independent of your child(ren), and you go out and do it—for you.”
The long answer is: This will be a process of growing through a significant life transition. Let yourself feel the emotion, the void, and the pain of that void. You may even want to throw a tantrum because you are experiencing a loss of the life you had with your child and the comfort of the daily routines of that life. You will grieve that loss. And you will also survive your grieving. But it takes time. You’ll slowly find your new normal. By doing YOU, you’re showing your child that they, too, have what it takes to do their lives. After all, you raised them to this point, with values and resourcefulness.
So, now what? You let them go. And you let go. It will all work out. Your child will come to see in you, another shining example of the strength that they will want to emulate. Because one day they will have to let go, too. As you’ve always done as a parent and role model, you show your child that change usually brings forth new opportunities for learning and growth.